Life starts now.
Separated in acts.
First act: Daniel Johnston and no one else.
Every single act – except the first one, saved the fact Kurt Cobain used to wear a shirt in reference – should have a nirvana’s song. That is the way it will be ‘till I decide to cut the crap out of this.
Starts from the beginning.
Phase #01 – “Life Sucks Now!”
Hi, I think I’m Dave… Doug… no, I’m Laura Jane Grace. Hell no.
Whoever I am, I ain’t nobody. Nothing, but a teenager with no self-respect and no self-esteem.
I owe myself too much a thing called love, but we’re not talking about this, are we? Well, we will.
First song to the playlist, it’s a Daniel Johnston’s piece of art called “True Love Will find you in the End” and basically talks about hope. I’ve found my hope now, but in 2007, I thought I’d have none. The way I use to treat myself and saw things and people hung me out to dry, it was awful. Anna just kicked me out live several times and I used to love her, suddenly I was on the bottom of the bottom.
I’ve found satisfaction with Daniel’s voice. He helped me a lot with “Rarely”, “Hi, How Are You?” and “Love Defined”. He has a few others titles that drove me crazy that year. After that, I’d only drug myself with his songs in 2009, listening too much his simplicity and honest way to make music. Sounding like a little child, unsafe and full of fears.
A lesson I can take from him is that the true and honest love will find you, somehow, in the end. I was sure about this and he really meant. Then I’ve moved away.
Phase #02 – “I May Have a Chance to Get Along This.”
From drug to drug, I’ve always tried to heal myself. Now I’ve found a girl in my first month living in a new place. I hated her at the first look, but who was I to decline someone? The stupid kid, who came from nothing, well… I’ve found my most powerful drug. The one took my life away, made a real bad mess on me. I’ve found another “Ana”, but now with a puberty growing on me.
In a good start, I’d thought I could handle everything. She made me strong and full of energy.
However, I was wrong and my life got into a tunnel with no light in the end. She lost her mother and I was now creating a baby. A little devil’s baby. She was okay for a while, ‘till the first suicide attempt, when I’ve realized I’d be responsible for her happiness, but no one would ever take care of mine. I was okay with that. I’ve agreed that my life would be “Always Like This”.
“Always Like This” by Bombay Bicycle Club.
The song starts: “She can wait, for what I can give. She knows what I am, but she won’t believe me” – which make the perfect sense to that time. I was nothing but a fake dickhead with her. I couldn’t be myself, then I’ve started to pretend, otherwise I’d lose my promise to keep her with me for the rest of our lives and take care of her. Awfully, that wasn’t me… I won’t say I’m a douchebag who gave a shit about her feelings, but I was acting with pity, not love. Pity.
The song goes on: “Kept it at bay, yes you kept your words. There on your mouth, but it's not what I heard” – I used to say things that I couldn’t believe. I’ve started to lie to her and to myself. She loved it, because she was feeling great that somebody was caring about her.
The song repeats, “I’m not whole, you waste it all” – which are the words that had repeat in my mind for the rest of that torture. I was wasting my life, my thoughts and plans. I was giving myself too much.
The next piece: “Gimme Sympathy” by METRIC is another song about hope, but not mine now.
I truly love this song and it makes me happy as hell, but it could be easily the story told by her words, the way she hadn’t even time to take a picture, as the song sings, or how she loved to make me pick one thing up between two of her choices – in the lyrics: “Who'd you rather be? The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?” and with and ironic voice: “Oh seriously”. The lyrics talk for itself, but it’s cool to say that’s how I thought she lived the moment. “Like here comes the sun”. Promises and promises. No truth around.
With “Across the Universe” – by Fiona Apple - I’ve found an only line that had torture: “Nothing is going to change my world” at the chorus. I hated myself for this, but I was hopeless. The things got even worse and I didn’t know what to do, no more. Then I gave up myself.
“Coffee and TV” was my life now. This Blur’s song is happy with a sad voice, despite the backing vocals that sound weird, but the song represents a time that I took myself to do nothing but eat and watch TV, or use the computer for no good reason. I’ve watched porn a lot and ate a lot of junk food I shouldn’t eat.
It became a time I started to give a crap about everything.
However, the lyrics shows a little bit of the chances I’ve done to get my relationship better.
The chorus goes like: “So give me coffee and TV, easily. I've seen so much, I'm going blind and I'm brain dead virtually. Sociability is hard enough for me. Take me away from this big bad world and agree to marry me, so we can start over again.” – These words show how stupid I was. Man, I hated myself even more, but now I couldn’t care no more reaching a point I was doing shits like bringing her inside home and asking her to marry me, in a dumb try to make everything work again.
Portishead touched my soul with “Mysterons” – which talks about refusing to surrender, says that inside the pretending, “crimes have been swept aside” all for nothing, and yells at the chorus a question I should have asked myself: “Did you really want?”. The beat goes deep and reaches my mind so intense that can make me smile and laugh hard at the same time that can make me cry as a little baby’s mom.
I have nothing to say about “Online Songs” by Blink-182.
It’s just a great song and the lyrics fit perfectly to everything I was trying to avoid to feel. It talks about Anna and my new drug, Heroin. Some lines to make sense: “I’m hating everything”; “You’re my source of most frustration”; “Everything YOU wished came true” and “Why am I still hanging around when I know it brings me down?” – Because “I wish that this would end…”
The band came along with me for so long. Their sound is so nostalgic and easy to like.
“1979” is such an amazing song by Smashing Pumpkins and it always calm me down, ‘cause I got too tired.
“We don't even care, as restless as we are” is a sad line, but it was true. Sadly true.
The Offspring was one of my favorite bands ever for a couple of years, I’m still on the mood to listen to them that very much, and to this playlist, I’ve picked up All I Want because it starts with: “Day after day
Your whole life's a wreck (…) You get no respect. You get no relief. You gotta speak up and yell out your peace” and then asks to leave me alone, how much I’m sick of no living, just staying alive and that I was hating to be controlled. It explains how she was starting to have control on my thoughts, and me but I wasn’t seeing this ways, because I was blind.
She never listened to me. I hated the way she pretended to understand me without even have an idea of what I was talking about it. The song ends with the line “If you could just listen, then it might make sense”.
I wasn’t so sure of myself anymore. It’s time for a break.
“Macy’s Day Parade” became a hymn for a possible new beginning. Everything that I wanted was a brand new hope, satisfaction guaranteed, the one I’ve never know. Green Day has a lot of emotion between the acoustic guitar and the soft drumbeat. The good thing about this song is that it makes me feel very good singing it, even out of tune, I can remember the whole lyrics and I’ve always made this a “rehab thing”.
It was just a tough time. I just haven’t realized that yet.
Is being with someone to help that horrible? I mean… I haven’t thought about the consequences, but the fact is that I was completely sure about everything I was doing and by that I mean, I was in love. At least I’ve believed in this for a while, until next summer when I’d be entirely out of this “love” thing and desperately looking for attention that I’ve never got. I was hurt, without facing that as a possible truth.
Fun fact about love: It does not exist at all.
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