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Talking about freedom.
“Be Free” by Papa Roach describes exactly the feeling it was starting to grow inside of me.
"I woke up and I feel like shit. I don't remember last night; I'm getting sick of this.” – The song starts with such good line and I could not believe the first time I woke up sure that something was wrong in my life. I felt like I should do something about. Finally, I was tired of it. Just like the song goes on: “I hit the bottom and I don't even care. You say I'm going to hell but I am already there”, I was starting to see all the bad things that relationship was causing at me.
It’s easy to say that I was on hell, already, but it took a time for me to realize it and the song goes on.
“Now I'm full of guilt and shame. I can't point a finger cause there’s no one to blame. So I say I'll never do it again, but when the sun goes down, you are my only friend. I'm thinking I am starting to see. I have become everything I never want to be; I'm really getting sick of myself; Cause when I look into the mirror, I see somebody else”.
It’s also funny how the song starts to talk for me, the way I felt when I’ve realized I was losing myself, promising to never do it again, but still stuck on that situation, careless. I could not find somebody to blame, but myself. The fact I found on her my only friendship was also being wrote into the lyrics, because my situation was not open for new friends and every time I looked to the mirror after realize how bad the things were going, I just saw somebody else, because I could not do a single thing… and I did not.
“I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Then I gave up myself one more time.
“My tendency for dependency is offending me, It's upending me. I'm pretending see, to be strong and free from my dependency. It's warping me.” - And again, It's warping me.
“Warped” by Red Hot Chili Peppers could not be putted in a better place. When I’ve realized I was down, unhappy and already giving up on myself, one more time, I’ve started to suffer and to listen too much underground stuff, just like this fucking piece of art. One of the best songs, from one of the best albums, by Red Hot Chili Peppers, which I love, almost, to the most.
The song goes in a dancing mood and strange sounds with too much noise.
The lyrics goes like: “So much love, so rare to dare. Afraid of ever being there. Take me home, I need repair. Take me please to anywhere. (…) Please don't look too close at me; you might not like what you see.”
The last line it represents how bad I was feeling about myself, like a real monster doing the things I was doing. It became a time I’ve started to lie to her about everything, even about my feelings for her. I was lying to myself, either. Every single time I was asked about how I was feeling, I’ve lied. Every time she asked me about new thoughts or feelings for some others girls, I’ve lied, easily. I was starting to get good at it that I’ve almost called another girl to have a lunch with me, without her consent. It’d be lovely if I have done that. I’d love to do that, but I was incapable because I was sure things would go right on the track.
Jessica was her name.
The girl I’ve said I almost dated without my girlfriend’s consent and I would easily date some other girls if I could, because my relationship reached the lowest of the low. The bottom of the bottom. I could not help myself anymore and Jessica would be used, in the future, to manage some new situations it were about to happen;
Once she asked me to stay with her, after a fight, for the rest of our lives.
I’ve lied again. I’ve promised to stay with her forever. I didn’t mean it, of course.
That’s where “Give it All” – by Rise Against – fits perfectly.
The song goes like “Rock bottoms where we live and still we dig these trenches to bury ourselves in them backs breaking under tension.” - And I’ve felt like I was giving myself way too much on this. I was giving up for not a good reason and I hated. Later this playlist, this song will have a completely different way of be viewed, because Rise Against talks about freedom and do what you really want with this song, but of course it was too much for me to handle that time, so let’s keep it this way, for now.
“There is no hope, and there's desperately, no hope.” Right?
With “No Hope” by Vaccines, I thought I could represent a little bit of my hopeless phase and even the song tells in a line “…and I hope it's just a phase. Oh, I'll grow.” – I did it, indeed. Like I’ve never felt I was able to grow, but it’s a future detail we’re going to talk about it, because at this time I was hoping that I could find some hope to get over all this and be happy. With her. Somehow.
“Well, I wish that I was comfortable in my own skin, but the whole thing feels like an exercise, and trying to be someone I would rather not be, I tried to second guess if you would be approving. I find my life ever so moving, came wide-eyed and unassuming. Oh, Okay” – Surely I was all “okay” with that. Giving up my dreams and feelings.
I don’t know exactly when I’ve realized my life was messed up, somehow, but I was kind of doubting about all the promises to be a better person she was making and complaining about all the things she was starting to do with me. The moment she started to be just meat and I was the lion… the hungry lion.
That’s when I saw myself completely body with no mind. I was finally hers, but I didn’t even have myself.
Once I’ve heard a story about fearing the unknown and I never gave a shit about that, but seriously, it makes sense and I was starting to change my mind about this, because I was really missing some point in my life. I was comfortable with that situation somehow that breaking up wasn’t an option because it would hurt badly and I was afraid to be hurt and hurt somebody, even if it was she.
Maybe it’s true. I was afraid of getting out of my comfortable zone, because the human is plan to enjoy life without pain then avoids every change it might hurt. It avoids living and give up everything, instead, just because it’s easier or comfortable somehow. I wasn’t comfortable at all, but it was easier to keep that way, somehow.
Funny quick fact about us: She hated all the songs I used to say that I loved. “FMLYH”, by Seether, supposed to be our “theme” to have sex. It supposed to be our song. It never happened, because she hated in all the different ways she could. Once I’ve played while we were making love and it felt good, but she didn’t enjoy that much while music plays along, or whatever. I don’t know, I loved it.
The song is so good in a very sexual way, but it’s easy to apply to what I’ve felt for her those times, because it describes some of her attitudes – if she ever have something like that – like when Seether sings “You could've been the real one. You could've been the one enough for me (…) You come around when you find me faithless. You come around when you find me faceless!” – These words were like a note to her.
“Fuck me like you hate me (Dig it up, and tear is down); Dig it up, and hold me down; Fuck me like you hate me (Dig it up, tear it down); Don't make a sound till I come undone.” – Signed by myself.
Later this whole thing, I’d figure it out she was not the right one to apply the title of this song with.
However, I’ve found out, later this playlist.
“Sunshine” by Matt Costa.
Someday, you will get the best of me. Oh someday. Probably when I'm old and grey. I'm lying in my bed and I will soon be put to rest now” – It explains how she used to see me, making nothing but complain about everything I used to do. It’s funny how happy this song is and still talks about a sad moment in my life. I think this song represents the way I used to see my life, even with bad feeling on me, I was singing around, smiling and faking it a little bit. Lying to myself.
I was happy. I can’t say I wasn’t. It’s just that my life was messed up way much more than what I’ve expected and things weren’t going to where I wanted them to go, so I got easily frustrated on every single chance I’ve gave her. Every single chance I gave myself.
“More life more life in a tramps vest” by Stereophonics.
It’s my time to relax. To actual sit back, relax and have a smoke, mac the knife swigs a can and sings the day away. It was my gift. I gave myself a time away from everything. Well, at least into my mind, but I kind of felt this way every single time I was doing something else than talking or seeing her, somehow. When I started to work, study and she was doing the same. Gosh, I felt myself in heaven. Stereophonics have the mood in this song, because the way they play and the lead singer yells the lyrics at some point I could easily forget, at least for a couple of seconds, all my emotional problems.
When a kid wants something so hard but it just can’t have it at all. That’s what Cults sings about with the song “Go Outside”, bur of course I was the kid and leave all that behind was my goal. My pure gold wish. Everything I wanted when I started to live – read it by working and studying – was to have regular life, without fighting every moment I’ve messed up with something or didn’t give much attention, somehow.
The song goes with a very dancing mood, which I love to the most – It’s fun to have song you can move your body and sing along and “Go Outside” is one of these songs.
“I really want to go out. I really want to go outside and stop to see you day. You really want to hole up. You really want to stay inside and sleep the light away. (…) I really want to go outside and make it light all day. (…) You really want to stay inside and not care where you lay.”
I wish I could go “outside” and see different things, such as different people or take a better look of the world, enjoying the sun and the people around. I’ve tried to build some friendships at my job, but I’ve failed so hard that I’ve had to cut it off, because she always wanted to stay inside and sleep the light away, not even caring where she was laying. That’s why this song fits perfectly at this point.
Well, I believe the only complain I have about the lyrics is that I’ve never been “there” before, so I didn’t know how it’s like to go “outside”. At least, it was what I thought.
“Well I know what's good. Exactly cause I have been there before. Yeah I know what's gold. Exactly those things night cannot behold.”
I don’t know, maybe I’ve been there before, but it should be a quite far memory that I just can’t have it back into my mind to be able to talk about. One more time, later on this playlist, I’ll find my light and how “outside” can be good and enjoyable.
“I think that you should wake up. I think I want to live my life and you're just in my way.” – She was completely holding myself and not letting me live my own life. She was like a stone right in my way I should take it off, somehow.
“Represent” by Weezer.
I love Weezer and while watching the 2010 Fifa World Cup, I’ve listened to this song. River Cuomo – Weezer’s lead singer – wrote this piece dedicated to the USA’s national team, to put a little motivation into the player’s heart, but meanwhile, I’ve got affect to that and I was thirsty to be the owner of my own thoughts and attitudes, so I was sure I would be able to change. However, I was capable to it only a couple of years after they’ve released the song.
“I'm sick and tired of everybody trying to tell me what to do. If I'm in need of your advice then surely I would come to you. I didn't get in this position just by happenstance. I work my bones beyond my limit just to have half a chance. (…) But I've got skills to pay the bills and punish each of your mistakes.”
Rivers also have included some questions, such as “One hundred years from now, they'll look back on this day. Where you going to be? And what are they going to say? (…) It's all up to you. Will you find your way?” – So I’ve found it. A little bit late from 2010, but I did.
“Nobody move, nobody get hurt” it’s the first line in “Tall Cans in the Air” by Transplants, a band formed by Travis Barker – blink-182 current drummer – the genius Tim Armstrong – formerly member at Rancid – and Rob Aston.
The song had its moments, but in a general view, it’s just a funny and catchy song with a mix of punk rock, rap and ska, with a beautiful and awesome drum line.
“How you hate my fuckin' guts but at the same time love me?” – It’s funny how they play with words and put some jokes on it. It has no much to do with my messy relationship, but it became a great song that helped me out not to suffer that much, like a gap I’ve had. Transplants represents a drug I could take sometimes without getting addicted to it. It funny and dancing.
“Tall Cans in the Air, let me see 'em ... fuck you!” – Some noise I like to listen to.
Later, we’ll talk about my heart… a Heart in a cage.
C’ya.
