Tuesday, July 30

Enjoy it.

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"Why so silent? Hard to stay shut."

What the hell are you trying to say? I just can't enjoy silence, it always means bad things are coming and I'm still complaining about every single thing I'm seeing right now. I hate when you stop talk to me or when you seem not to care much about it. I want to talk about this. I want to hear you and I want to have a lil' chat with your beautiful naked face. Face to face.

"I" - There is too much "me" into the situation, but why not "you"? What do you regret to the most?

I'm sick of myself. I want to leav you alone, then if get too emotional, please pull me back and when I get too scared, please let me face my own demons and when I get too boring, just take me away from yourself. Get tired, then kick me off. Enough suffering. Enough complaining.

Do you want to enjoy "LIFE" with me?
At least while we're still happy and in love? for ourselves? for each other?
Am I being too rude? Too fast? Too serious? Dramatic, maybe?

In a hard way, you say things aren't easy. Well, I see no limits to enjoy ourselves with no need to hurt our people around.

Monday, July 29

A brand new start.

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"Não me leve a mal. Eu percebo a dor ao meu redor. Eu não tenho um coração tão duro assim, eu não sou algum tipo de monstro. Eu cometi erros, mas eu percebi antes de ser tarde demais.

A vida é tão cheia de surpresas.

Meus sonhos sempre foram abençoados, a maioria se realizou. E eu achei que eu já fui feliz o suficiente antes de ter sido infeliz por tempo demais. Eu pensei que eu não fosse mais sentir aquele calafriou na espinha dizendo “vá em frente, acredite, é o certo". Eu pensava que a vida já tinha me dado o suficiente, e me tirado, mas no fundo ela ainda estava guardando surpresas para mim.

Eu deixei de me cuidar, de me amar, de uma forma que eu nunca vou me perdoar por ter feito. Mas o fato de ter alguém que tenha te visto quando você já estava no fundo, e ter te valorizados nos pequenos detalhes, ah, esse sentimento não tem palavras. E quando eu achei que já não tinha mais nada lá na frente para mim, antigos sonhos tomam frente e com força total. Obrigada.

Tudo que tenho a dizer, por hora, é que uma nova vida começou."



"Let it all out. These are the things I can do without." -Disturbed .

Songs we Sing, the playlist. #02

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Talking about freedom.

“Be Free” by Papa Roach describes exactly the feeling it was starting to grow inside of me.

"I woke up and I feel like shit. I don't remember last night; I'm getting sick of this.” – The song starts with such good line and I could not believe the first time I woke up sure that something was wrong in my life. I felt like I should do something about. Finally, I was tired of it. Just like the song goes on: “I hit the bottom and I don't even care. You say I'm going to hell but I am already there”, I was starting to see all the bad things that relationship was causing at me.

It’s easy to say that I was on hell, already, but it took a time for me to realize it and the song goes on.

“Now I'm full of guilt and shame. I can't point a finger cause there’s no one to blame. So I say I'll never do it again, but when the sun goes down, you are my only friend. I'm thinking I am starting to see. I have become everything I never want to be; I'm really getting sick of myself; Cause when I look into the mirror, I see somebody else”.

It’s also funny how the song starts to talk for me, the way I felt when I’ve realized I was losing myself, promising to never do it again, but still stuck on that situation, careless. I could not find somebody to blame, but myself. The fact I found on her my only friendship was also being wrote into the lyrics, because my situation was not open for new friends and every time I looked to the mirror after realize how bad the things were going, I just saw somebody else, because I could not do a single thing… and I did not.

“I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Then I gave up myself one more time.

“My tendency for dependency is offending me, It's upending me. I'm pretending see, to be strong and free from my dependency. It's warping me.” - And again, It's warping me.

“Warped” by Red Hot Chili Peppers could not be putted in a better place. When I’ve realized I was down, unhappy and already giving up on myself, one more time, I’ve started to suffer and to listen too much underground stuff, just like this fucking piece of art. One of the best songs, from one of the best albums, by Red Hot Chili Peppers, which I love, almost, to the most.

The song goes in a dancing mood and strange sounds with too much noise.

The lyrics goes like: “So much love, so rare to dare. Afraid of ever being there. Take me home, I need repair. Take me please to anywhere. (…) Please don't look too close at me; you might not like what you see.”

The last line it represents how bad I was feeling about myself, like a real monster doing the things I was doing. It became a time I’ve started to lie to her about everything, even about my feelings for her. I was lying to myself, either. Every single time I was asked about how I was feeling, I’ve lied. Every time she asked me about new thoughts or feelings for some others girls, I’ve lied, easily. I was starting to get good at it that I’ve almost called another girl to have a lunch with me, without her consent. It’d be lovely if I have done that. I’d love to do that, but I was incapable because I was sure things would go right on the track.

Jessica was her name. 

The girl I’ve said I almost dated without my girlfriend’s consent and I would easily date some other girls if I could, because my relationship reached the lowest of the low. The bottom of the bottom. I could not help myself anymore and Jessica would be used, in the future, to manage some new situations it were about to happen;

Once she asked me to stay with her, after a fight, for the rest of our lives.

I’ve lied again. I’ve promised to stay with her forever. I didn’t mean it, of course.

That’s where “Give it All” – by Rise Against – fits perfectly.

The song goes like “Rock bottoms where we live and still we dig these trenches to bury ourselves in them backs breaking under tension.” - And I’ve felt like I was giving myself way too much on this. I was giving up for not a good reason and I hated. Later this playlist, this song will have a completely different way of be viewed, because Rise Against talks about freedom and do what you really want with this song, but of course it was too much for me to handle that time, so let’s keep it this way, for now.

“There is no hope, and there's desperately, no hope.” Right? 

With “No Hope” by Vaccines, I thought I could represent a little bit of my hopeless phase and even the song tells in a line “…and I hope it's just a phase. Oh, I'll grow.” – I did it, indeed. Like I’ve never felt I was able to grow, but it’s a future detail we’re going to talk about it, because at this time I was hoping that I could find some hope to get over all this and be happy. With her. Somehow.

“Well, I wish that I was comfortable in my own skin, but the whole thing feels like an exercise, and trying to be someone I would rather not be, I tried to second guess if you would be approving. I find my life ever so moving, came wide-eyed and unassuming. Oh, Okay” – Surely I was all “okay” with that. Giving up my dreams and feelings.

I don’t know exactly when I’ve realized my life was messed up, somehow, but I was kind of doubting about all the promises to be a better person she was making and complaining about all the things she was starting to do with me. The moment she started to be just meat and I was the lion… the hungry lion.

That’s when I saw myself completely body with no mind. I was finally hers, but I didn’t even have myself.

Once I’ve heard a story about fearing the unknown and I never gave a shit about that, but seriously, it makes sense and I was starting to change my mind about this, because I was really missing some point in my life. I was comfortable with that situation somehow that breaking up wasn’t an option because it would hurt badly and I was afraid to be hurt and hurt somebody, even if it was she.

Maybe it’s true. I was afraid of getting out of my comfortable zone, because the human is plan to enjoy life without pain then avoids every change it might hurt. It avoids living and give up everything, instead, just because it’s easier or comfortable somehow. I wasn’t comfortable at all, but it was easier to keep that way, somehow.

Funny quick fact about us: She hated all the songs I used to say that I loved. “FMLYH”, by Seether, supposed to be our “theme” to have sex. It supposed to be our song. It never happened, because she hated in all the different ways she could. Once I’ve played while we were making love and it felt good, but she didn’t enjoy that much while music plays along, or whatever. I don’t know, I loved it.

The song is so good in a very sexual way, but it’s easy to apply to what I’ve felt for her those times, because it describes some of her attitudes – if she ever have something like that – like when Seether sings “You could've been the real one. You could've been the one enough for me (…) You come around when you find me faithless. You come around when you find me faceless!” – These words were like a note to her.

“Fuck me like you hate me (Dig it up, and tear is down); Dig it up, and hold me down; Fuck me like you hate me (Dig it up, tear it down); Don't make a sound till I come undone.” – Signed by myself.

Later this whole thing, I’d figure it out she was not the right one to apply the title of this song with.

However, I’ve found out, later this playlist.

“Sunshine” by Matt Costa.
Someday, you will get the best of me. Oh someday. Probably when I'm old and grey. I'm lying in my bed and I will soon be put to rest now” – It explains how she used to see me, making nothing but complain about everything I used to do. It’s funny how happy this song is and still talks about a sad moment in my life. I think this song represents the way I used to see my life, even with bad feeling on me, I was singing around, smiling and faking it a little bit. Lying to myself.

I was happy. I can’t say I wasn’t. It’s just that my life was messed up way much more than what I’ve expected and things weren’t going to where I wanted them to go, so I got easily frustrated on every single chance I’ve gave her. Every single chance I gave myself. 

“More life more life in a tramps vest” by Stereophonics.
It’s my time to relax. To actual sit back, relax and have a smoke, mac the knife swigs a can and sings the day away. It was my gift. I gave myself a time away from everything. Well, at least into my mind, but I kind of felt this way every single time I was doing something else than talking or seeing her, somehow. When I started to work, study and she was doing the same. Gosh, I felt myself in heaven. Stereophonics have the mood in this song, because the way they play and the lead singer yells the lyrics at some point I could easily forget, at least for a couple of seconds, all my emotional problems.

When a kid wants something so hard but it just can’t have it at all. That’s what Cults sings about with the song “Go Outside”, bur of course I was the kid and leave all that behind was my goal. My pure gold wish. Everything I wanted when I started to live – read it by working and studying – was to have regular life, without fighting every moment I’ve messed up with something or didn’t give much attention, somehow.

The song goes with a very dancing mood, which I love to the most – It’s fun to have song you can move your body and sing along and “Go Outside” is one of these songs.

“I really want to go out. I really want to go outside and stop to see you day. You really want to hole up. You really want to stay inside and sleep the light away. (…) I really want to go outside and make it light all day. (…) You really want to stay inside and not care where you lay.”

I wish I could go “outside” and see different things, such as different people or take a better look of the world, enjoying the sun and the people around. I’ve tried to build some friendships at my job, but I’ve failed so hard that I’ve had to cut it off, because she always wanted to stay inside and sleep the light away, not even caring where she was laying. That’s why this song fits perfectly at this point.

Well, I believe the only complain I have about the lyrics is that I’ve never been “there” before, so I didn’t know how it’s like to go “outside”. At least, it was what I thought.

“Well I know what's good. Exactly cause I have been there before. Yeah I know what's gold. Exactly those things night cannot behold.”

I don’t know, maybe I’ve been there before, but it should be a quite far memory that I just can’t have it back into my mind to be able to talk about. One more time, later on this playlist, I’ll find my light and how “outside” can be good and enjoyable.

“I think that you should wake up. I think I want to live my life and you're just in my way.” – She was completely holding myself and not letting me live my own life. She was like a stone right in my way I should take it off, somehow.

“Represent” by Weezer.
I love Weezer and while watching the 2010 Fifa World Cup, I’ve listened to this song. River Cuomo – Weezer’s lead singer – wrote this piece dedicated to the USA’s national team, to put a little motivation into the player’s heart, but meanwhile, I’ve got affect to that and I was thirsty to be the owner of my own thoughts and attitudes, so I was sure I would be able to change. However, I was capable to it only a couple of years after they’ve released the song. 

“I'm sick and tired of everybody trying to tell me what to do. If I'm in need of your advice then surely I would come to you. I didn't get in this position just by happenstance. I work my bones beyond my limit just to have half a chance. (…) But I've got skills to pay the bills and punish each of your mistakes.”

Rivers also have included some questions, such as “One hundred years from now, they'll look back on this day. Where you going to be? And what are they going to say? (…) It's all up to you. Will you find your way?” – So I’ve found it. A little bit late from 2010, but I did. 

“Nobody move, nobody get hurt” it’s the first line in “Tall Cans in the Air” by Transplants, a band formed by Travis Barker – blink-182 current drummer – the genius Tim Armstrong – formerly member at Rancid – and Rob Aston.

The song had its moments, but in a general view, it’s just a funny and catchy song with a mix of punk rock, rap and ska, with a beautiful and awesome drum line.

“How you hate my fuckin' guts but at the same time love me?” – It’s funny how they play with words and put some jokes on it. It has no much to do with my messy relationship, but it became a great song that helped me out not to suffer that much, like a gap I’ve had. Transplants represents a drug I could take sometimes without getting addicted to it. It funny and dancing.

“Tall Cans in the Air, let me see 'em ... fuck you!” – Some noise I like to listen to. 

Later, we’ll talk about my heart… a Heart in a cage.

C’ya.

Sunday, July 28

Long blond hair

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Kurt Cobain on my shoulder.

Too much blond hair that I could not tell if it was male or female.
Too much blond hair, I saw at the bus window reflex, I saw it.
I saw Kurt Cobain on my shoulder, but it was she.
My little beautiful princess, in silence.

She kind of slept there.
Not a single word after a while, I thought she was sleeping.
After a long day, all the love we shared.
Her head now was on my shoulder.

Can you feel my love buzz?

7/27

Friday, July 26

Songs we Sing, the playlist. #01

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Life starts now.
Separated in acts.

First act: Daniel Johnston and no one else.
Every single act – except the first one, saved the fact Kurt Cobain used to wear a shirt in reference – should have a nirvana’s song. That is the way it will be ‘till I decide to cut the crap out of this.

Starts from the beginning.

Phase #01 – “Life Sucks Now!”
Hi, I think I’m Dave… Doug… no, I’m Laura Jane Grace. Hell no.
Whoever I am, I ain’t nobody. Nothing, but a teenager with no self-respect and no self-esteem.
I owe myself too much a thing called love, but we’re not talking about this, are we? Well, we will.

First song to the playlist, it’s a Daniel Johnston’s piece of art called “True Love Will find you in the End” and basically talks about hope. I’ve found my hope now, but in 2007, I thought I’d have none. The way I use to treat myself and saw things and people hung me out to dry, it was awful. Anna just kicked me out live several times and I used to love her, suddenly I was on the bottom of the bottom.

I’ve found satisfaction with Daniel’s voice. He helped me a lot with “Rarely”, “Hi, How Are You?” and “Love Defined”. He has a few others titles that drove me crazy that year. After that, I’d only drug myself with his songs in 2009, listening too much his simplicity and honest way to make music. Sounding like a little child, unsafe and full of fears.
A lesson I can take from him is that the true and honest love will find you, somehow, in the end. I was sure about this and he really meant. Then I’ve moved away.

Phase #02 – “I May Have a Chance to Get Along This.”
From drug to drug, I’ve always tried to heal myself. Now I’ve found a girl in my first month living in a new place. I hated her at the first look, but who was I to decline someone? The stupid kid, who came from nothing, well… I’ve found my most powerful drug. The one took my life away, made a real bad mess on me. I’ve found another “Ana”, but now with a puberty growing on me.

In a good start, I’d thought I could handle everything. She made me strong and full of energy.

However, I was wrong and my life got into a tunnel with no light in the end. She lost her mother and I was now creating a baby. A little devil’s baby. She was okay for a while, ‘till the first suicide attempt, when I’ve realized I’d be responsible for her happiness, but no one would ever take care of mine. I was okay with that. I’ve agreed that my life would be “Always Like This”.

“Always Like This” by Bombay Bicycle Club.
The song starts: “She can wait, for what I can give. She knows what I am, but she won’t believe me” – which make the perfect sense to that time. I was nothing but a fake dickhead with her. I couldn’t be myself, then I’ve started to pretend, otherwise I’d lose my promise to keep her with me for the rest of our lives and take care of her. Awfully, that wasn’t me… I won’t say I’m a douchebag who gave a shit about her feelings, but I was acting with pity, not love. Pity.

The song goes on: “Kept it at bay, yes you kept your words. There on your mouth, but it's not what I heard” – I used to say things that I couldn’t believe. I’ve started to lie to her and to myself. She loved it, because she was feeling great that somebody was caring about her.

The song repeats, “I’m not whole, you waste it all” – which are the words that had repeat in my mind for the rest of that torture. I was wasting my life, my thoughts and plans. I was giving myself too much.

The next piece: “Gimme Sympathy” by METRIC is another song about hope, but not mine now.
I truly love this song and it makes me happy as hell, but it could be easily the story told by her words, the way she hadn’t even time to take a picture, as the song sings, or how she loved to make me pick one thing up between two of her choices – in the lyrics: “Who'd you rather be? The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?” and with and ironic voice: “Oh seriously”. The lyrics talk for itself, but it’s cool to say that’s how I thought she lived the moment. “Like here comes the sun”. Promises and promises. No truth around.

With “Across the Universe” – by Fiona Apple - I’ve found an only line that had torture: “Nothing is going to change my world” at the chorus. I hated myself for this, but I was hopeless. The things got even worse and I didn’t know what to do, no more. Then I gave up myself.

“Coffee and TV” was my life now. This Blur’s song is happy with a sad voice, despite the backing vocals that sound weird, but the song represents a time that I took myself to do nothing but eat and watch TV, or use the computer for no good reason. I’ve watched porn a lot and ate a lot of junk food I shouldn’t eat.
It became a time I started to give a crap about everything. 

However, the lyrics shows a little bit of the chances I’ve done to get my relationship better.
The chorus goes like: “So give me coffee and TV, easily. I've seen so much, I'm going blind and I'm brain dead virtually. Sociability is hard enough for me. Take me away from this big bad world and agree to marry me, so we can start over again.” – These words show how stupid I was. Man, I hated myself even more, but now I couldn’t care no more reaching a point I was doing shits like bringing her inside home and asking her to marry me, in a dumb try to make everything work again.

Portishead touched my soul with “Mysterons” – which talks about refusing to surrender, says that inside the pretending, “crimes have been swept aside” all for nothing, and yells at the chorus a question I should have asked myself: “Did you really want?”. The beat goes deep and reaches my mind so intense that can make me smile and laugh hard at the same time that can make me cry as a little baby’s mom.

I have nothing to say about “Online Songs” by Blink-182.
It’s just a great song and the lyrics fit perfectly to everything I was trying to avoid to feel. It talks about Anna and my new drug, Heroin. Some lines to make sense: “I’m hating everything”; “You’re my source of most frustration”; “Everything YOU wished came true” and “Why am I still hanging around when I know it brings me down?” – Because “I wish that this would end…”

The band came along with me for so long. Their sound is so nostalgic and easy to like.

“1979” is such an amazing song by Smashing Pumpkins and it always calm me down, ‘cause I got too tired.
“We don't even care, as restless as we are” is a sad line, but it was true. Sadly true.

The Offspring was one of my favorite bands ever for a couple of years, I’m still on the mood to listen to them that very much, and to this playlist, I’ve picked up All I Want because it starts with: “Day after day
Your whole life's a wreck (…) You get no respect. You get no relief. You gotta speak up and yell out your peace” and then asks to leave me alone, how much I’m sick of no living, just staying alive and that I was hating to be controlled. It explains how she was starting to have control on my thoughts, and me but I wasn’t seeing this ways, because I was blind. 

She never listened to me. I hated the way she pretended to understand me without even have an idea of what I was talking about it. The song ends with the line “If you could just listen, then it might make sense”.

I wasn’t so sure of myself anymore. It’s time for a break.
“Macy’s Day Parade” became a hymn for a possible new beginning. Everything that I wanted was a brand new hope, satisfaction guaranteed, the one I’ve never know. Green Day has a lot of emotion between the acoustic guitar and the soft drumbeat. The good thing about this song is that it makes me feel very good singing it, even out of tune, I can remember the whole lyrics and I’ve always made this a “rehab thing”.

It was just a tough time. I just haven’t realized that yet.

Is being with someone to help that horrible? I mean… I haven’t thought about the consequences, but the fact is that I was completely sure about everything I was doing and by that I mean, I was in love. At least I’ve believed in this for a while, until next summer when I’d be entirely out of this “love” thing and desperately looking for attention that I’ve never got. I was hurt, without facing that as a possible truth.

Fun fact about love: It does not exist at all.

Monday, July 22

"18/07/2013, sem mais."

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She looks me with a smile.

Last Thursday we met some of her friends, named here, for the purpose, Laura and Fred. A nice couple. Well dressed and funny talking. Fred was dressing a suit and glasses that made him looks just like a serious lawyer that he actually is. Laura was dressing some “adults” clothes and by “adults” I mean, high heels, soft make up and a black corselet.

My honey? Well… my lovely company was simply perfect, of course she was. She wore my favorite Kurt-Cobain-Style shirt because of the cold wind and some cool plain clothes.

Am I forgetting something?

Certainly I am. I am sure I have missed something. The most important thing, by the way.

Okay, let me introduce all over again.

I have met her friend first, at her job.

We have talked about the clothes she would use and the ones she had borrow to my girlfriend that night, she thought it would be funny some other kind of clothes. In a couple of minutes, Laura introduced me to her friend, the lawyer I have mentioned before, even without him around to be sure she was not creating any thoughts on him, differently than what he really is and then she left with the promise of letting me see my lovely partner soon.

There she came.

We have checked in a small hotel we booked, which has a good-sized room in a high floor with a shower that I have loved to the most that got hot in a way I have almost burnt my skin.

She took a shower first, mine was in the day after, but for some unknown reason it feels like I am still missing some, way important, thing that happened that night. The most important thing. Our first time.

A very honest, pure, mature, respectful and… Gosh!

I was completely nervous when we started to kiss that I just could not handle myself. I was not comfortable at all when she took her clothes first than I did.

Wait, I need a moment.

Okay.

She has the most beautiful body I have ever seen in my entire life, period. Like this. Period.

First, I got on the top and then I have felt just like a virgin again, when we started to take our clothes off I did not know for sure what I was doing.

I thought I would fail. It would be awful.

The thing that I wanted to the most, with the person I have felt in love for, in the right moment, at a good place, with the right thoughts… I could not stop thinking that I would fail, anyway.

Everything came to my mind and I have got really – really – nervous, for sure.

I felt like I needed to do something that could change the way I was nervous. Then I did it, therefore.

I took her legs closer to my body and putted my head between. I sucked her. Literally.

I was too thirsty for it. For her, and I loved it… I loved it so much that I got ready.

One more time, as a virgin, I went directly to kiss her and got into her in a way it might be consider gentle, but rough, at the same time.

I did not know much to do, but I knew exactly what I wanted. Her.

The movements were simple and somewhat gentle. Soft and nervous, but respectful and it got a little dirtier – somehow – later when I felt more confident.

After a couple of minutes, I knew what I was doing, but I was afraid of not being able to handle her.

I could not cum. We were not even using condoms at that time that I just could not finish myself.

Fortunately, Laura started to text her saying that she was coming to meet us up so we had to stop banging each other and also because she realized some blood on my bellybutton.

"Did I take too hard?"

Uh. We had our time. A tough one, which I liked it.

She took a shower while I was laying down praying that she had loved our first time.

Then she went out, we enjoyed ourselves a little bit more and then we met her friends.



The couple was fine. We had a good time.

We ate at a random Subway and then Fred drove us to a Jazz Pub.

She was wearing my shirt and I have felt in love for her – again – because of the way she shown herself interesting during a few imported beers and a sweet jazz music. 

I have tried to ask the band for dedicating a song to her using the waiter for it, but because of the time and how thirsty we were for ourselves, we got off the pub before the lead singer had the chance to read my note.

Just a couple of words in a piece of paper.

We were back at the hotel around 2AM, maybe. I just remember the fact that we just could not help ourselves. I mean, she was not drunk, neither was I, but to be honest, I was somewhat high. Not because of the alcohol, but for the joyful moment we have had together.

Our first time happened again, for the second time I was virgin again, but I was able to enjoy a little bit more – and better – for the fact I have gave myself too much on that moment that I could not feel any better with my own desire. I was not even able to control my own feelings. My desire on her was not rational, anymore.

I have had her - musically – I have had her again. There was MUSE playing along.

We have lasted longer than their whole “Absolution” album that we had to put some other bands, like Hives and Red Hot Chili Peppers. It felt amazing. It was amazing. Just wonderful.

She was wonderful.

Beautiful and wonderful. For a couple of hours there, she was completely mine.

We did in a couple of ways, which I have never thought I would be able to handle in our very first time… I have had her on my mouth in a hard way. That is probably because I wanted to dry her at a point she would never forget me, no more.

I felt like I needed to be the best.

Make her feels like a real woman, being the fucking best.

She replied to it.

She did some movement I liked to the most and she was really up on what was happening that I just loves the sweet view of her as a grown up woman, fully naked.

Funny little fact about that night.

She wore nothing but a The Used black shirt.

It is, like, her way to sleep more comfortable. I loved it. I loved the way she looks on that shirt.

I felt in love again.

We slept.
We got tired and then we slept. It was too late and we could not take ourselves no more.

Both got tired, and then we slept.

It was just wonderful how close she was from my body. It felt like the best rest I have ever took.

Uh…
Have I mentioned the fact she was wearing nothing but a The Used black shirt? And nothing else?

Damn, I have felt in love one more time. 

Suddenly during the night, we woke up ourselves kissing each other while sleeping. It was like an hour before we planned to wake up for breakfast, and then it happened again.

When I realized she was on me and I was on her, already. Into her.

For one more time, I have felt in love for that beautiful blonde hair that I have pulled hardly and those green angel eyes that were barely open.

This third part of our first time happened in the purest and heavier way ever possible. She was praying for my body and so was I for hers.

We have got even deeper, harder and stronger, and – even in the morning, without any songs – she drove me crazy with those little sounds she was doing and her faces I had the opportunity to see again.

Her body fitted perfectly on my and her hug while sex was just the most incredible thing I have ever experienced in my whole sex lifetime; the most wonderful moment I could never possible think about it.

I loved the way she rode me.

How hot and good-looking she was while got on the top of me, going up and down with that shirt on.

She could not control her own eyes during sex, so badly that she gave up on staring at me.

We just could not stop. It was a non-stop love sharing and brutal/tough desire being shown there that we were not able to think straight, which made us keep going… taking a breath, keep going and going, harder and harder.

We have tried doggy style, a couple of times. She is too good at it.

I loved her laying down letting me choose how fast or strong we were taking.

Such a perfect Thursday night.

Such an awesome Friday rainy morning.

We gave up on the "finishing thing" and threw ourselves under the shower kissing ourselves badly.

I felt in love. Again.

I was amazed with the feeling she provoked on me every single minute.

I was amused with the smiles she provoked me.

I felt in love again.


It is fun how rainy morning used to get me bored and pissed off, but sometimes they fit perfectly to the moment. Once you have the prettiest girl in the whole wide world with you, nothing can piss you off but the fact that she needs to move on with her life.

Then we woke up that Friday morning and had sex.

A tough and beautiful sex. It was the best fuck I ever had and we did it in a way I have never thought I would be able to handle after so many time without practicing.

Instead of leaving the hotel and leave her for work, we just went down do the restaurant and had our breakfast while it was “raining cats and dogs”.

She needed to work, I was about to go home. We got wet a little bit walking with no umbrellas on us.

After check out the hotel – that we only paid for a bottle of water we needed to the most during our third time doing it, because our mouths were so dry we could not handle it – we bought a chocolate at a drugstore and waited for her time to work.

It is funny how people stare at you when you are practicing a different language in public. How can they feel so uncomfortable with the idea of someone else speaking in words they do not get it?

Anyway, the hours were going away and my time had come.

I left her that morning for work. Got my bus and my memories from the night before.

Everything we did and everything we built with that night – and morning – helped me to understand the size of the feeling that I have inside of me for those beautiful green eyes and shiny blonde hair. Ithelped me to realize how lucky I am for having the most gentle, cute, beautiful, lovely, charm, gorgeous and hot woman I have ever met.

The one I just will not give up on trying to make her happy.

The one is showing me again a feeling that back there I thought it disappeared, the same one that I saw as dead or never existed in the first place. A feeling called love.

I hope I am not taking things too fast.

I am trying hardly to follow my heart senses and for the very first time, in my entire life, it keeps telling me she is the one I need in my life. She is the girl I want with me, building the perfect structure to turn all my dreams true, because for the very first moment in my life I feel like I am giving myself the true feelings I have ever looked for.

She is the one to take care for me and I want to be the one who cares on her.

I hope she understands how big this feeling inside of me is and how important she became in my life, at this moment and for the rest of my times.

To you, my love.